So I’m up at my summer cabin with the whole family! It’s so beautiful and I love it up here! In terms of eating, I’ve been doing pretty good, 6 days b/p free as of today :) It’s kind of hard being around family all the time though, especially my mom. I just feel like every time she see’s me eating anything, she always has some sort of comment to make that in her mind is probably well-intentioned, but they always manage to piss me off. It’s always that little, “oh, you’re eating again?” or “second breakfast, huh?” Or when I picked up a bagel a few days ago, she just looks at me and goes “really?” And she spends a lot of the day outside in the garden, and I’m inside working on a paper and stuff, and literally every 10 minutes she shouts “Kendra, what are you up to?” as if she’s on babysitting duty and if she doesn’t check in on my often enough, I’ll eat the entire contents of the kitchen. And the thing is, it’s not at all like I’ve been overeating. My intake’s been 1500-2000ish every day. But honestly, every time she makes one of her comments, it makes me want to starve myself in revenge - “oh, since my eating a second breakfast or a snack is so offensive to you, I decided to stop eating. Maybe I’ll finally be your perfect, skinny daughter, huh?”
It’s so frustrating. My mom know’s about my eating disorder, and I think in her mind she’s trying to help me, but it’s literally all the things she’s saying and doing that are making me want to stay in an eating disordered place.
okay, I’m done ranting.
But, even if you’re not fat, if you’re a woman, you’re probably still so caught up with your toxic weight shit that you can’t even see straight. During my working life I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been part of these ridiculous workplace group diets. Almost all of the participants have been women. Sometimes they even try to bribe one another with money. They all put in ten dollars on the first week and whoever loses the most wins the pool at the end of 4 months, or whatever it is. Look, I’m like you. I’ve done it too. And at a perfectly normal, healthy weight I’ve done it. All because of a sick, shitful, ugly little voice in the back of my head that tells me I ought to be smaller.
And that’s the rub, right there. Exactly why do we want to be smaller? What exactly is the appeal of being smaller? How does it benefit us? Does it make us better mothers? Better students? Better lovers? Better artists? Scientists? Friends? Does it make us more badass badasses?
No, no, no, no, no. You must see that it doesn’t. It doesn’t do anything but make us smaller.
Babies and puppies are small. So are dimes and Skittles. You’re a fucking woman. A woman! You are entitled to occupy as much fucking space as you like with your awesomeness, and you better be suspicious as fuck of anybody who tells you differently.
Why, ladies? Why must we continue to whittle ourselves down? Who is it for? What is it for? You can walk through a certain aisle at the pharmacy or at the grocery store and see the language of diminishment all over the packaging for weight loss aids of all kinds. “Shrink your waist.” “Lose inches off your thighs.” “Slim down.” “Get skinny.”
How about “Grow your mind.” “Increase your confidence and productivity.” “Beef up your knowledge.” “Enlarge your scope of asskicking.”
That’s a valid message for women and girls: grow, expand, branch out, open up, get bigger, wider, faster, stronger, better, smarter. Go up not down. Get strong, not skinny.
You are not here to get smaller. You are not here to have a thin waist and thighs. You are not here to disappear. You’re here to change the world! Change the fucking world, then! Forget about “losing a few pounds.” Think about what you could be gaining instead.
After 6 days with no binge/purge/restricting, today I slipped and had a b/p.. honestly after that I just wanted to slip all the way back into it, and go back to starving myself tomorrow, but after a giant mental battle, I decided I want to recover, and I’m going to choose the healthy path, not the easy path. I went for a nice walk, I’m crawling in bed, and I’m ready to get back into my healthy eating tomorrow.
I’m gonna choose to be proud of the fact that I went 6 days with no ED behaviors and proud of the fact that I’m not letting my slip up turn into a downward spiral. This time I’m trying for at least 10 days :) One day at a time
Can someone please try to talk me out of this? I’ve gone 6 days with no ED behavior - no binging, purging or restricting - and doing so good, feeling really happy, but I just feel like I’m about to loose it..